Archive | November, 2011

I Am A Caveman And Much More

30 Nov

I am one of those stay at home Dad’s.  My kids are grown and the wife runs off to “The Grind”.

 I am home all day long doing the daily tasks and taking care of the necessary business from my Man Cave.   I am a creative guy that works smart, and I spend allot of my time goofin’ off wisely.  In the Cave…

I attend more meetings than you can shake a stick at. They are all in the form of tele-conferences that take place on a daily basis. In the Cave…

I have over 15 true partners in various businesses that are spread about the country.  I rarely see any of them and the half of them I have never even met face to face.  Everything is accomplished and I communicate with all of them. In the Cave…

I attend many recording sessions and I collaborate with lots of musicians from all over.  In the Cave…

If we feel like going to the local bar for a drink, we merely take ten steps to our left.  Yup you guessed it.  In the cave…

I have a killer convertible Cadillac that I love soooo much. I got it over 3 years ago and I have only put 3000 miles on it.  Why you ask?  Because I never fucking leave my cave.

Can you see there’s the pattern here?


You are probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me…

Let me introduce you to Granny…

From the moment I wake up, to the time I go to sleep… She’s here.  My Mother -in-law.  Well sorta…  Not sorta my Mother-in Law, sorta here. The spirit and body are still here, however the mind just ain’t like it used to be. I guess when you are in your eighties, whether it’s old age or Alzheimer’s the mind seems to slip away a bit.  Unfortunately for all of us in the household, the Alzheimer’s has literally kicked the shit out of us.  It’s tough for me and even tougher for my wife. It’s like having a full time child.

You are talking about a lady who has seen it all… The stories she used to tell.  Her family was running the streets of Los Angeles, due to the fact that her father was an immigrant who barely spoke English but supplied the city elites including it’s elected officials with the best Moonshine money could buy.

During the days of the depression  and prohibition her family seemed to get by and then some with out even spending one thin dime. Starting at the meat from the butcher to the repairs on the family ride and everything in between.  Even the ability to live above the law.  Then again that would be a simple task, considering the fact that you supplied the Judge and half the police force with their juice during prohibition.

The stories of WW2 as a pre-teen were incredible. Little Mary and a gas mask on a mission for freedom.  Personally assigned by Military elders to pre-dawn creepings in the dark.  Good stuff…

Her wonder years at Garfield High (Yes… The Garfield High) and her pal, the Pachuco Gang leader Robert Telez.  Ha!  Keep in mind, she was tiny little white Armenian American girl with no foreign accent, or  distinguishing physical attributes of anything but a little white girl.  Not typically the type you see hanging out with gang bangers.  I finally asked her how they became tight. She replied “He wasn’t very smart and he sat right behind me in class, so I made it very easy for him to copy my work and never stopped him”.

Well I guess it worked…  She went right through high school well protected and without a worry of ever… eve… ever being picked on bothered.

Never heard much about the college days, however she was a whiz with numbers and went into accounting.

The lady was such a whiz with numbers she started a fourty year plus, run with the County where she met her soulmate and ended up running the accounting department for the entire county of Los Angeles

Mary didn’t take any shit from anyone either… There wasn’t a penny unaccounted for. If Mary smelled anything going on, she’d call them out, actually pissing several officials off.  I am sure the scoundrels slipped a few things by her… including a $50,000 desk that I remember reading about.  Hahn apparently slipped that one right under her nose. Some things never change lol

This by no means is any sort of eulogy as Mary is still kickin it,  fiery as ever and just keeps going… and going…. and going. The reason I am documenting these these stories, is because Mary can’t seem to find them in her memory banks anymore.

Alzheimer’s Disease Sucks!  To watch every stage progress right in front of our eyes, has taught us allot. Believe it! Not only have we been able to educate ourselves and realize what we have to  look forward to as a Seniors. We have also learned patience.  But best of all, rather than dwell in the negative, We have learned to take the art of dealing with Alzheimer’s Disease to a whole new level.

Bare in mind, that some of you may find the following list of ways to have fun with Alzheimer’s  a little bizzarre, twisted or even a little rotten… However, everything is in good fun.  If it’s not fun it gets rather depressing.

Besides, she is the latter phase, so we have more fun than with the early stages. Plus, the woman can take it, as well as dish it out.

1. Make up a new language and stick to it for a couple of minutes and wait for a response.

2. Go along with everything and join the journey.  Some of the funniest things come out.

3. Remember Abbot and Costello’s famous “Whos on first” bit?  Try that one for 15 minutes or so.

4. When serving meals.. Knock before entering. When asked who it is, answer, “Room Service” Enter the room and introduce yourself as a random foreign waiter with a different accent for each meal.

5. Sometimes they are very stubborn when it comes to showering and hygiene. Big Bertha, our imaginary 300lb bearded nurse that gets the job done, tends to coax her to freshen up a bit.

6. Ask them to make you lunch, or maybe not.

7.  To keep them occupied, recommend a good movie and put it on. When it’s over, recommend the same good move and watch them enjoy over and over and over…  as they will enjoy it just like the first

8. Paper Party!  It amazes me how much fun they are. Give em a roll of toilet paper or a big stack of napkins and watch them happily pass the time away.

9.  Ahhh the endless search for a missing child…  They only last a few moments, but we cherish them greatly.

You are probably wondering why only nine… Well its due to the fact that everyone does lists of 10.

Until next time…

Adam G

Disclaimer:  Real Army of Moms takes real life parental situations and sheds a little humor on them despite the subject matter.  If you can’t laugh and don’t find us amusing… Beat it!

Ahhhhh… To see family during the Holidays

28 Nov

I hope that everyone enjoyed a nice long Holiday weekend.  I sure did! Not as planned, but it was an actual attempt to  spend a “Family” evening with old relatives that I have not seen in decades.

Thanks to the internet I was able to find and contact Family members that I didn’t even know existed or that were even still alive.  After a five year quest I had felt my mission was accomplished as I was invited to a “Family” event.  You see… Since my Mom passed away, I had lost contact with way too many Grossman family members. Not to mention that I was a rebellious kid, that would cringe at the thought of a 2 hour drive in the back of my parents car to go see relatives and old people.  I would put up a fight at all cost, typically winning that battle.

Saturday came and the excitement was building as we left the house on our quest for family.

Let the games begin!

In any event, I would like to share with you, the apology letter that I had to send in regards to “Not” making the engagement.

Pam,


Well… First of all I would like to apologize. There was a little confusion on my part about tonight. I feel like such an idiot, I can’t even type this with a straight face.

So here goes… Somewhere in between our last correspondence, conveniently I got an invite to a party on Facebook, that Mike Grossmanmusic happened to be hosting. It said bring food or drink and instruments.

Obviously that must be the right party, right? It had directions, phone and all. I was even 15 minutes early I was so excited.

So… at 6:45 the wife and I arrived. Walking happily, hand in hand up what we thought to be your driveway. Anxious to finally fill the Grossman family void in my life.

We were welcomed by a few cool people and invited in.

We sat there alone in the living room for a while watching a band play Led Zep covers. Good stuff! 

About 40 minutes in to the set, Mary finally asked me which of these people are my cousins. I hesitantly replied, “I think that Ryan guy over there… Everyone should be here soon… I guess”.

I think you get where I am going with this… Ooooops

In any event,  Mike finally showed up and explained that none of his nice musical friends were related to me and I missed Brunch at the ‘other” party. 

We truly tried to come hang out with you guys… We need to all hook up really soon.

Adam G

Ultimate Stocking Stuffer: The Original AJ’s Toy Boarders

23 Nov

Ahhhh…. The days of playing with little green Army Men on battlefields… All lined up with guns proudly displayed.  Each group of soldiers strategically positioned and ready for battle…

With the imagination we had as young boys, we were easily amused and made great use of our time with these little green molded heros.


Fast forward… 2011 where the politically correct patrol lurks…

I can see it now, ever so clearly…. OMG! We cant have this in our society!  They have guns… It teaches the kids violence, destruction and to use the B word… whispers -B-o-M-b-.

Why are they all one color?  This is truly offensive and discriminatory towards kids of different ethnicities.  They should be reported, punished and their product should be banned from all public institutions.  Let’s write up some legislature and throw the book at them.  ( I am sure they are out there)

How about this one?  No!  You cant have little tiny plastic Military Heros for Christmas!  We are going to get you a book on Nutrition…  I heard the Mrs. Obama  recommends it.

Phoooey!
Let me think… There has got to be a solution. Hmmm…

 I Got it!!  Just in time for Christmas. Plus… They are little green plastic heros…

Mom!  Fuck The First Lady’s recommendation.  Adam G recommends it… and that’s much cooler.

Thanks to The Original AJ’s Toy Boarders taking the concept in a completely different direction. Help bring back the days when  plastic men and the imagination of a kid was a wonderful thing. 

To the Politically Correct Goon Squad… Put this in your pipe and smoke it…

The guns and ammo have been replaced with decks and wheels!

Adam G says… drop on by www.toyboarders.com and grab a few packs for the stockings. 

The imagination of your kid depends on it. 

Review: Decide.com

22 Nov

When considering this review of Decide.com, my first take was… Online shopping. Ouch! Too many sites too many products. Ugh! I hate shopping! 

However… In this instance, with the Holidays coming, I knew I could put the site to the test.  This year, I plan on buying myself a new TV for my Man Cave, so the timing is perfect. 

In addition thanks to Decide.com Real Army of Moms gets to put on another give-a-way with great prize opportunity for all you lovely Moms. (See details below)


When I got to the site, the first thing that I noticed was the lack of categories. Which was great for me, considering I was looking specifically for a TV, and they definitely had the scoop on plenty of them.  So… If by chance you are looking for electronics such asTV’s, Cell Phones, laptops or cameras, then this could be “the” place.  I don’t like the distractions of a million different categories when I’m searching for a certain type of product anyway. On the other hand, I did notice an option to recommend new categories, which leads me to believe that there will be more to come.

The fuctionality of the site is very user friendly and simple to navigate.  I had no problem finding exactly what I was looking for within a few clicks. Which in my book is an AAA+. The majority of sites are a total clusters of goods and offers, that require you bob and weave your way to a decision. IMO Complete waste of time! Then again that’s just me.

Decide.com definitely narrows down the search and price comparison similar to many sites on the net. However the difference is… not only do they instantly help find the lowest prices from various retailers, they help you decide whether to wait a little longer, to get a better deal.  In addition, if there is a newer model to be released soon, it will also recommend the option to wait for the latest and greatest. 

In the instance that you choose to wait, the Decide Mobile App alerts you when the time to buy is right, you can act immediately to take advantage of the savings. It’s actually a quite useful website and tool. I can safely say that Decide.com helps you make the wisest choice, at the right time, to get the best deal. Good stuff!


REAL ARMY OF MOMS Holiday Give-A-Way

Prize: Here is a chance for one of you lucky Moms to win a Kindle Fire


Simply follow the instructions below… Good Luck!( Rafflecopter)
RafflecopterSettings = { raffleID: ‘ZDhiYjQzOGZiZjQ3NzcwZTAyYjg0Y2M0ZGY5MTFiOjQ=’ };

<a href=”http://rafl.es/enable-js”>You need javascript enabled to see this giveaway</a>.

Stocking Stuffers: The Original Hand Vibes

21 Nov
I have to say bravo! Something cool, something new, something with attitude, something collectable, something fun, tradeable and clean as a whistle… but most importantly, something I’d even use.

Holidays are coming and Hand Vibes  are a no-brainer for any stocking that needs stuffin’.

When I say any stocking,  I mean not just for kids…
Then again, I’m a fourty something kid that totally gets it.  On the other hand, the crew from Hand Vibes have demonstrated that most normal adults don’t…   

When I first looked at the rainbow of colored rings on their website,  instantly I noticed quite a few vibes that I personally could relate to… and or, create. 
Now this is a message I use on a daily basis whether addressing my dog,
 my mother-in-law, my kids, but mostly over-talkative musicians in a recording session.

I don’t know if Hand Vibes knew what they were getting into,  or if they knew who they were dealing with, when they sent them to Adam G and not Michelle of The Real army of Moms.  She has the kids… I merely act like one  =)

Anyways… the packs that were sent to me, were truly appreciated, and have been in my control…   Hand Vibes will now serve as a silent tool that will hopefully bare the same effect… In addition, I may have just found an alternative use that may work as a useful tool for drummers….Thanks Hand Vibes!

OK… Now that I got that out of the way, and got first dibs on the vibes, I gave a little rundown along with SWAG, Live!, Friend and Groovy to my niece.  Now she is truly a kid that totally get it.  I can guarantee that she will be showing all her friends  and asking Santa for more Hand Vibes this Christmas.

Let Me Ease Your Pain – Part 1

16 Nov
OKAY… I am feeling musical, I am feeling spontaneous and i am feeling your pain.

Today… I thought that I would try something a little different. In addition, I am going to break it up in two blogs…

Part 1

Question: How many of you lovely Moms have teens or grown children, or even husbands that are inspiring musicians?

You know what I’m talking about… the ones who spend their entire lives, through their last dying breath, locked in the studio for hours, if not days, continuously shooing you away, shoving all responsibility aside and rejecting family time, merely to express themselves creatively, in hopes of someday drawing the stadium crowds. by introducing the next platinum hit to the masses. Ultimately becoming a Superstar! (or at least make a few bucks trying)  Do you sometimes feel the rejection?

Well… as you can probably guess, my Mom and my wife had the same problem. =/

Do you guys even realize how many hits, I should have written over the last three decades?  Well… at least one right? Wrong!  I have played with dozens of bands performing on stage close to a thousand times.  Including some bills with the biggest of names. Played on several recordings that hit the shelves at some of the major retailers. Still, zip, nada…  But it’s all self gratifying…

If this is you, who ultimately suffer the symptoms, due to the musical madness of a loved one,… and truly believe (annoying to you or not) their music has the potential for commercial use….

PPPPlease…  Stand up and shout!  

This is in no way, shape or form meant to be discouraging to you or your wannabe musical loved one.


It could be a little light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep an eye out for Part 2… You won’t want to miss it.

Until next time…

Adam G

Truly Glad I’m a Dad!

9 Nov

First of all, after reading this and laughing hysterically, it only reminds me how much I appreciate being a Dad. With all the respect and admiration I have for all of you lovely Moms,  I can only think of one thing to say…




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Sucks to be you! =)




All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal 


The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…. the wax. 



My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. 

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet..

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself…. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….. OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out…. I must stay conscious…. I must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…. OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip… it’s not!

I touch.. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake … remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop.. My head may pop off!’

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub….. in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter. ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’ There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?’

She’s laughing out loud by now … I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace…..the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care.

‘IT WORKS!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color……how bad can that turn out???