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I Am A Caveman And Much More

30 Nov

I am one of those stay at home Dad’s.  My kids are grown and the wife runs off to “The Grind”.

 I am home all day long doing the daily tasks and taking care of the necessary business from my Man Cave.   I am a creative guy that works smart, and I spend allot of my time goofin’ off wisely.  In the Cave…

I attend more meetings than you can shake a stick at. They are all in the form of tele-conferences that take place on a daily basis. In the Cave…

I have over 15 true partners in various businesses that are spread about the country.  I rarely see any of them and the half of them I have never even met face to face.  Everything is accomplished and I communicate with all of them. In the Cave…

I attend many recording sessions and I collaborate with lots of musicians from all over.  In the Cave…

If we feel like going to the local bar for a drink, we merely take ten steps to our left.  Yup you guessed it.  In the cave…

I have a killer convertible Cadillac that I love soooo much. I got it over 3 years ago and I have only put 3000 miles on it.  Why you ask?  Because I never fucking leave my cave.

Can you see there’s the pattern here?


You are probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me…

Let me introduce you to Granny…

From the moment I wake up, to the time I go to sleep… She’s here.  My Mother -in-law.  Well sorta…  Not sorta my Mother-in Law, sorta here. The spirit and body are still here, however the mind just ain’t like it used to be. I guess when you are in your eighties, whether it’s old age or Alzheimer’s the mind seems to slip away a bit.  Unfortunately for all of us in the household, the Alzheimer’s has literally kicked the shit out of us.  It’s tough for me and even tougher for my wife. It’s like having a full time child.

You are talking about a lady who has seen it all… The stories she used to tell.  Her family was running the streets of Los Angeles, due to the fact that her father was an immigrant who barely spoke English but supplied the city elites including it’s elected officials with the best Moonshine money could buy.

During the days of the depression  and prohibition her family seemed to get by and then some with out even spending one thin dime. Starting at the meat from the butcher to the repairs on the family ride and everything in between.  Even the ability to live above the law.  Then again that would be a simple task, considering the fact that you supplied the Judge and half the police force with their juice during prohibition.

The stories of WW2 as a pre-teen were incredible. Little Mary and a gas mask on a mission for freedom.  Personally assigned by Military elders to pre-dawn creepings in the dark.  Good stuff…

Her wonder years at Garfield High (Yes… The Garfield High) and her pal, the Pachuco Gang leader Robert Telez.  Ha!  Keep in mind, she was tiny little white Armenian American girl with no foreign accent, or  distinguishing physical attributes of anything but a little white girl.  Not typically the type you see hanging out with gang bangers.  I finally asked her how they became tight. She replied “He wasn’t very smart and he sat right behind me in class, so I made it very easy for him to copy my work and never stopped him”.

Well I guess it worked…  She went right through high school well protected and without a worry of ever… eve… ever being picked on bothered.

Never heard much about the college days, however she was a whiz with numbers and went into accounting.

The lady was such a whiz with numbers she started a fourty year plus, run with the County where she met her soulmate and ended up running the accounting department for the entire county of Los Angeles

Mary didn’t take any shit from anyone either… There wasn’t a penny unaccounted for. If Mary smelled anything going on, she’d call them out, actually pissing several officials off.  I am sure the scoundrels slipped a few things by her… including a $50,000 desk that I remember reading about.  Hahn apparently slipped that one right under her nose. Some things never change lol

This by no means is any sort of eulogy as Mary is still kickin it,  fiery as ever and just keeps going… and going…. and going. The reason I am documenting these these stories, is because Mary can’t seem to find them in her memory banks anymore.

Alzheimer’s Disease Sucks!  To watch every stage progress right in front of our eyes, has taught us allot. Believe it! Not only have we been able to educate ourselves and realize what we have to  look forward to as a Seniors. We have also learned patience.  But best of all, rather than dwell in the negative, We have learned to take the art of dealing with Alzheimer’s Disease to a whole new level.

Bare in mind, that some of you may find the following list of ways to have fun with Alzheimer’s  a little bizzarre, twisted or even a little rotten… However, everything is in good fun.  If it’s not fun it gets rather depressing.

Besides, she is the latter phase, so we have more fun than with the early stages. Plus, the woman can take it, as well as dish it out.

1. Make up a new language and stick to it for a couple of minutes and wait for a response.

2. Go along with everything and join the journey.  Some of the funniest things come out.

3. Remember Abbot and Costello’s famous “Whos on first” bit?  Try that one for 15 minutes or so.

4. When serving meals.. Knock before entering. When asked who it is, answer, “Room Service” Enter the room and introduce yourself as a random foreign waiter with a different accent for each meal.

5. Sometimes they are very stubborn when it comes to showering and hygiene. Big Bertha, our imaginary 300lb bearded nurse that gets the job done, tends to coax her to freshen up a bit.

6. Ask them to make you lunch, or maybe not.

7.  To keep them occupied, recommend a good movie and put it on. When it’s over, recommend the same good move and watch them enjoy over and over and over…  as they will enjoy it just like the first

8. Paper Party!  It amazes me how much fun they are. Give em a roll of toilet paper or a big stack of napkins and watch them happily pass the time away.

9.  Ahhh the endless search for a missing child…  They only last a few moments, but we cherish them greatly.

You are probably wondering why only nine… Well its due to the fact that everyone does lists of 10.

Until next time…

Adam G

Disclaimer:  Real Army of Moms takes real life parental situations and sheds a little humor on them despite the subject matter.  If you can’t laugh and don’t find us amusing… Beat it!

The Dirt! Sheila K WTF? Are you Serious?

23 Aug

ADAM  aka Adam Gman aka Grossie aka Sheila K   




Sheila K WTF?


Entrenched in the Orange County, CA music/surf scene, since the age of fourteen, Adam Grossman is well established in the OC music community. In addition, he has spent over a decade in the Action Sports Industry, mastering the art of guerilla/grassroots marketing, with Adam leading many of the most successful campaigns.  In 2009, the gears shifted to philanthropy, and he developed several “on” and “off-line” programs/campaigns for celebrities outside of “The Orange Curtain”, including Al Unser Jr, The Backstreet Boys, Rob Thomas, Carnie Wilson, and Erik Dickerson, just to name a few.


As a musician and a drummer, Adam has toured the US and opened for legendary acts such as Billy Idoll, Bad Religion, Pennywise, Circle Jerks, The Offspring and many more. After spending many hours and several recording sessions in the studio with punk superstar Greg Hetson (Bad Religion), and producers/engineers Steve Kravac and Jim Monroe, Adam grew to become much more than “just the drummer”.  As a composer, Adam has written music for the Sony/ATV/Getty Images Spin City Music Library and currently is assisting in building www.number7records.com out of NYC/OC/LA where he holds the title VP West Coast Operations..


Now that the cat is out of the bag, the formalities are out of the way and Michelle is no longer locking me in her basement, I figured I would take the time and energy to extensively Q&A  myself regarding, life, liberty and the pursuit of building  a “Real Army of Moms”  




Disclaimer

Some of you may love me, others may not..  Some may questions my views and others may not. Some may find me funny and some may think I am a complete idiot.  Offensive?  Sometimes  Obnoxious ?  Most of the time… However… Keep in mind, like it or not, whether we are male or female… we all have the most wonderful commonality.  A Mom!  in addition, as you get to know me , you will realize that I am almost just as much of a Mom as the rest of you. 


First of all In my quest for knowledge, let me ask “The Army” (all of you except Michelle) a couple of questions


Is this what they consider a feminine side?  Are the things that I do on a daily basis, similar to being a Mom? Should I take my friends seriously when they joke about my mannary glands? When I feel like shit during the day, is that similar to PMS?  Why do I suddenly feel the need to shower more than 2-3 times a week? How many jacuzzi sessions equals one shower?  Do I look fat in these pants? How many calories in that Six Dollar Westen Bacon Cheeseburger
If I look in the mirror and straighten my eyebrows, is that not manly?  

OMG ! What has my life become?  None of these things are normal for me… You see, I am a Punk Rock Dad!  Rough, tough  rude, crude,  obnoxious and free of any of these concerns.


However… over the last couple of years, things have changed and continue to change drastically. You see… being bound to the house full time, caring for my mother in law, an 81 year old granny child, sure makes me think about things that are typically irrelevant in my book.  It truly makes me feel like I am becoming a MOM.  Alzheimer’s Sucks!  


Any advice for a Dad like me is always welcomed and greatly appreciated.




OK… D-D-D-Down to biz… Time for a little Q&A with little ‘ol me.


Grossie:  Now before we get heavily into this, I have to ask you the most obvious question of all. Sheila K WTF?


Adam Gman:    Well it has everything to do with Carnie Wilson of Wilson Phillips.  Yeah, I know…  Wilson Phillips has never been in my vocabulary, let alone my CD collection nor will it ever be… YUCK!   


However… When, I met Carnie, I realized how terribly people spoke of her for being fat.  FAT! So f-ing what!   I was working on a project for her at the time and for some reason, I was compelled to write a nice little promotional piece in Carnie’s defense. I was the fat kid growing up so I could totally relate.


It was hard promoting Carnie Wilson in the light of “my” peers, therefore I went under cover as Sheila K. 


Grossie: Dude! I can’t believe you told me that. OUCH!  That sucks… OK Sheila  What’s your affiliation with Real Army of Moms and what qualifies you to be in “The Army”?


Adam Gman: It’s funny you ask…


Grossie: Why’s that?


Adam Gman:  I started it. lol


Grossie: Right Guy or Sheila K or whoever you are.  How’d you do that Mr. Mommas Boy? Was it  because you could wear a bro-zier?


Adam Gman: Not!  Because I could… I thought of it first, plus I needed a place to post that Carnie Wilson story, that I didn’t want my friends to see me promoting.  Could you imagine all the shit I would take if the guys saw me promoting Carnie Wilson.   I’m just sayin…


Grossie:  Now I’ve heard it all…  So what’s the story with this Michelle chick?  How did you guys hook up?

Adam Gman:  Well… I met Michelle while playing in a project with her brother, Bobby Springston of the band The Bangkok Five.  Since then,  we have become friends and have started several small, successful business ventures together.  When I told her the Sheila K predicament, she just laughed. Then told me that there was a whole army of moms out there that would read my stuff. That’s when the lightbulb went off in my head.  I thought is was a great idea to build an army of Moms. Not just any army, but a “Real Army of Moms“.  There ya have it!


Grossie: Wow you are pretty lame.  What are you gonna bring to the site and why all of a sudden are you coming out of the closet with your Mommy fetish?


Adam Gman: Hmmm… Good question.  I don’t know…I might plug one of my many celebrity friends and help them with some promotional love.  I may interview a band. I may interview one of my hero’s or even a random Mom.  All because I am in that kind of mood.  I might  review products or tell a few jokes.  I may whistle a tune or write a song. I may do a drum solo or play the guitar.  Just because I can… 


But… Most importantly, I will help Michelle keep it fresh with interesting and humorous things… Spanning from intellectual thoughts to just plain old shit talking and everything in between…   


Oh… and It’s not a fetish. It’s just fact. Moms are the best. 


Grossie: Well Well Well… I got you now.  You realize that I am gonna tell everyone on your facebook that you are secretly a Mom, wear a cooking apron and you love Carnie Wilson.  I’m thinking of making up some shit too.  Hey dumbass, are we through yet?  I’m going Surfing.


Adam Gman: Yeah we’re done. Pick me up on your way, I am feeling the need.




In closing, I want to thank each and every one of you ladies and gentlemen, for joining The Real Army of Moms.  Spread the word as we have only just begun.


Stay tuned. A mind that works like mine, is a terrible thing to miss.


Adam G
Real Army of Moms