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The Man Code

15 Feb


For those of you who wonder…


1. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.


2. When questioned by a friend’s girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.


3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.


4. A best man’s toast may not include any of the following phrases, “down in Tijuana”, “one time when we were all piss drunk”, or “and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw”.


5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “bullshit!”. (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)


6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.


8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.


9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own – grill, car, firstborn child – within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.


10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.


11. Do not torpedo single friends.


12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


13. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, “man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls”


14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.


15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!


16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)


17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.


18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.


19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.


20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.


21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.


22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.


23. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren’t wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think “what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin”, in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.


24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.


25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, “house rules” may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.


26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.


27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.


28. If you ever compliment a guy’s six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.


29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.


30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”

“Come on, give me one more, harder!
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?”



31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.


32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an “I recognize you” nod will do just fine.


33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.


34. You can not rat out a friend who show’s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.


35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.


36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.


37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “fuck off” then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.


38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly “just a friend”, go at it, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.


39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.


40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year.


41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)


42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.


43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).


44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.


45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men’s gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)



46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.


47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.
48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.


49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.


50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.



51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.


52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)


53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.


54. A man’s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.


55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.


56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)


57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.
58. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)
59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty’s. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.


60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.


61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.


62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.


63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.


64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.


65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.


66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.


67. If your friend says “Lick my nuts” as a way to put you down, don’t try to be funny by saying “OK” and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary…


68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!

69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)
* with every set of laws, there are appropriate punishments. If any man shall happen to break any one of these codes, he will be found guilty, and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear the name Princess. 

Original from Maxim Magazine but has been refined and added to over time
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Why men and women get along so well.

2 Nov

Continued research has disclosed new sex-linked traits in adult humans. Latest findings from our labs indicate the following diferences which will help you to tell men and women apart in the dark without resorting to the sort of behavior that Miss Manners finds objectionable.

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis”. When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us”. This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Making friends:

A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things together, and say something like, “I hope we can be good friends.”

A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn’t confide in his priest or psychiatrist, he’ll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken sentimentality and say something like, “You know, for someone who’s such a jerk, I guess you’re OK.”

Sex:

The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every morning, or maybe both if he’s under 30. The average woman would like to have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.

Women prefer 30 – 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 – 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her make-up…

Cats:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, red a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Clothes:

Men don’t discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is “just getting broken in” about the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting them to use, hoping they’ll become more comfortable with age.

Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year’s fashions.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”.

Men talk about “the bachelor party”.

Shoes:

The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, boots, and slippers.

The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

Eating:

A woman will generally admire an ornate desert for the artistic work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.

A man will start by grabbing the cherry in the center.

Car repair:

The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem himself until it either goes away or turns into something that “can’t be fixed without special tools”.

The average woman thinks “that funny thump-thump noise” is an accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than the typical male.

Trust:

The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling around behind her back. This same woman wouldn’t tell her best friend if she knew the best friends’ mate was having an affair. She’ll tell all her OTHER friends, however.

The average man won’t say anything if he knows that one of his friend’s mates is fooling around, and he’d rather not know if his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.

Driving:

A typical man thinks he’s Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind the wheel of his car. The fact that it’s an 8-year-old Honda doesn’t keep him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who’s attempting to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn’t he? Only his body shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and price their policies accordingly.

A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to her makeup.

Shopping:

It’s no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men. Men don’t like to shop. If a man can’t foist the job off on some woman, he will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition. He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in color Y in the correct size, which he doesn’t know. Even then it takes him half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he’s finally accomplished his mission, he’ll discover that he forgot his checkbook.

Women shop to relax.

provided by http://www.kaitaia.com/

I think think it’s funny… You?

26 Oct

Considering the last few of my Wednesday posts have been a little on the depressing side, I figured that I would find something a little more entertaining, upbeat and fun….
These happen to float my boat a bit and definitely make me chuckle…
Therefore I figured that I would borrow a few and share….

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

“Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.


Embarrassing Moments

Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:
“A mother was taking a shower when her two year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!”
“A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away.”
“A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word ‘Tampax’ for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’
An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, “Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?” She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, “I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments.” The cunning guy now yells loudly, “What do you mean by $500?”